Lucy I love you so much. You have kept me alive for so long. Promise me you’ll keep yourself alive now. You have something so special inside of you, a light I didn’t think was possible outside of books and musicals and movies. You have a way of making people feel loved, so genuinely, and I need you to promise me that you won’t lose that. I’m sorry I’m leaving you but I can’t do it anymore. I’m too tired. I’m too scared. I won’t let a group of white men decide whether I get to live or die. For once, I am making a decision for myself. Please don’t hate me for it. Please try to understand. And please, please, don’t stop fighting. Meeting you was one of the greatest blessings of my life and I am thankful for every second of laughter and love, of heartbreak and anger that we shared together. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to keep fighting with you.
I don’t know what’s waiting on the other side, if anything, but I promise you that if there’s a way to see each other again one day, we will. But please, take your time. I’ll be happy to wait. And if there is one thing I learned from Alex it’s that however this death thing works, it doesn’t end with disappearance. Keep an eye out for me, in your candle flames, In sentences that seem to come from somewhere else, in the rainy LA days I always loved so much.
I wish I had been stronger, for you, for me, for Hillary, for all of our sisters, but I am tired and I can’t fight through it anymore.
I know this may not work. I’ve read the statistics on suicide by overdose and I know that all too often it doesn’t work. If that’s the case, if I live, I don’t think I will have many people willing to help me try and find my way through that whole new world. I know it’s a lot to ask, but I hope you will be one of them.
I love you more than words can say and I wish I was stronger for you. Please don’t give up. Please continue to fight with the fire you instilled in me and so many others. If my body decides that this isn’t my time, that this isn’t an appropriate way out, I hope that you will be there to help me pick up the pieces. I know it’s a lot to ask, but you are honestly the only person I feel is still truly in my corner. I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger for you, the way you always have been for me, from day one. Of all the darkness in the last 5 years, you have been my unwavering light.
I just don’t feel like I can make a difference anymore. My health has been worse than I’ve let on, acute kidney failure, a small stroke, pain, confusion, fatigue, and doctors who don’t know know what to do with me anymore. It is time to make the decision I should have made before the second transplant.
I love you so much. I know this will be hard but we need people with you’re life, your love, you unwavering opinion. I know that what I’m doing will be considered a cowards movie, I understand why people, many even you, feel that way. But for once it feels like the strongest thing I’ve done since the election.
Again, please know that your light, your love has kept me kkk
